This is about you, not them

Do you know how much time I wasted focusing my energy on someone else? I was raised that way. I modeled what I saw. I was taught that there was value in helping others.

And of course there is, but I say wasted now, because I finally learned that you can’t pour into other people and never pour into yourself. There is helping others in kindness or in service, and there is spending all your energy trying to solve everyone else’s problems, to your own detriment.

What makes it a detriment?

When you have no idea who you are anymore.

When you couldn’t possibly tell someone what would make you happy and be comfortable with them doing that for you.

Do you ever get what you want? Do you ever express YOUR needs? And if the answer to those questions is no, you might need to find a better balance.

Does it make you uncomfortable for your needs to be a priority? Does it make you uncomfortable for your needs to be placed above others around you?

I did a lot of things for a long time because it was easier.

I did a lot of things because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable. I didn’t want to make other people uncomfortable.

What if I spoke up and shared my needs? What would other people think? Would they think I was being difficult? Would I be inconveniencing them?

I’m going to say straight up, that in my experience this is predominantly a female problem. We are taught, many of us, to place the needs of others in front of our own. And also, in my own experience, it is much more common for a man NOT to apologize or feel guilty for wanting his needs met.

Now is this always the case?

No, but I think it’s an important lesson that we can take away as individuals- a lesson we can learn for ourselves and a lesson we can teach our children.

When did I learn this lesson?

When I got divorced. When I was on my own. When the only wants or needs( besides my children) that I had to think about were my own.

What the hell?

That’s when I realized I had no idea what I wanted because I never spent any time thinking about what I actually wanted.

For 2 years I figured it out.

I rediscovered ME. A girl I’d bet you I hadn’t seen in probably close to 2 decades. And it makes me tear up to think about how long I lost her for. I remembered that I love dancing. I went to see shows with my friends. I took care of my body again. I prioritized fitness and health and attribute that to a decrease in my stress and anxiety.

I think now, at the age of 42, my age and experience has left me evaluating who and what I’m actually living this life for. At the end of it, am I going to be able to say that I lived MY life, not someone else’s? Am I going to be able to say that I chose the things that made ME happy, the experiences that brought ME joy, and the things that filled MY soul? Or will I leave this world wondering about all the things I could have done or the things I should have tried?

You only get one shot at this. You’re all in. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, life gives you a do-over, a second chance to get it right.