The In Between

There are 3 parts of my adult life- the before, the in between, and the after.

The Before

The before is before I knew better. The before is my first marriage, inexperienced me, my first time being a mom and a wife, all well before life teaches you lessons.

The In between

The in between is the most important part of me.

The part where I proved to myself I could do it on my own. The part where I rediscovered my worth. The part where I knew if I ever had to, I could.

The in between is the part I’m most proud of.

It’s the part I hope my sons don’t forget.

I found my courage there. It’s where I decided enough was enough. I set boundaries for behavior I would no longer tolerate, and I was finally strong enough to stick to them.

I remember that night- the night I was strong enough to stick to my boundary. It was bedtime and I was loading my 8 and 4 year old sons in the van with their pillows and a few clothes and leaving. Leaving my husband, my home, the boys home, their bedrooms, their toys. Leaving everything behind.

It was a commitment to myself, the final straw. I made a promise that the next time I found something in my house I did not want there, a place that was supposed to be safe for me and my children, a place tainted by addiction, I would call the police on my own husband.

Yes, you heard that right. And it took me 8 years to get there.

It wasn’t pretty. Not even close. That period of my life was scarier in ways I had never expected. Police, courts, lawyers, restraining orders, manipulation, suicide threats, anxiety.

But, I put in the work.

On myself.

Week after week I joined in fellowship with others sharing their journeys- some at the beginning, some in the middle, some with years of experience in healing. I had been in these rooms for years before I was personally ready to make a change. I eventually had the strength, encouragement and tools to do so.

I also sat with my counselor, and focused on me. I discovered ways that I was unhealthy, coping mechanisms I had adopted living with an addict, and caretaking behaviors I learned as a child.

The in between is where I took control back. I spent years trying to gain control over a situation I had no right having control over, another person’s sobriety. I thought I could fix it if I did the right things, or if I said the right things.

I got a job so I could support myself. I hated hearing that I was worthless because my job as a stay at home mom didn’t provide an income. I was finally in control of my own finances and could decide what my own financial priorities were.

I started this journey of separation and healing with a part time job, and my kids and I taking over the only bedroom, in my parents one bedroom apartment. My mom sleeping on the couch and my dad in the recliner, giving me freedom from an unhealthy situation and getting back on my feet.

And I did.

3 months later, the first night in our own one bedroom apartment, was the proudest and most terrifying night of my whole life, the three of us tucked safely in my queen size bed. That was the first night I truly felt the gravity of my situation and knew I was on my own.

Everything was on my shoulders, but I was doing it- taking care of my boys, providing for them, keeping them safe.