Driveways are for crying, right?

*Trigger warning- pregnancy loss*

I remember sitting in my driveway, tears rolling down my cheeks. Mike and I had just gotten home from our ultrasound. I was 20 weeks pregnant.

But the last 10 weeks had been far from easy.

I had experienced serious complications and we were afraid we might lose the baby.

As happens with so many things, we handled the pregnancy in different ways.

Mike, with two adult children, was over the moon at the thought of this new little one. He, as his personality dictates, wanted to be prepared for the baby’s arrival. He wanted to have the crib, the carseat, the diapers, everything.

I, on the other hand, am more of a last minute kinda girl. I knew I would breastfeed. I had a friend who just had a baby and was giving us all of her son’s things. This was my third kid, by then you pretty much feel like you know what you’re doing. “What did we really need to prepare?” I thought.

The only thing we NEEDED was a crib.

So there we sat, in the driveway having just arrived home from another check on the baby. Per the ultrasound, everything looked good. The hemmorage I had been experiencing seemed to have resolved. The baby was growing well. So at 20 weeks, Mike turned to me from the driver’s seat and said, “Can we tell people yet?”

I sat there in fear.

Were we out of the woods?

What if the bleeding started again and I lost the baby?

Only a few close friends and family knew I was pregnant. I had even taken a leave of absence from work due to “medical reasons”.

“Can we at least buy the crib?” he quietly asked me.

I broke down and sobbed as I expressed my fears. A crib would mean I was getting my hopes up. A crib would stare at me everyday from the livingroom as I went about my day, while I simultaneously worried if I would ever get to hold the baby growing inside me.

I didn’t know if those two feelings could coexist.

Today, I sit here at my dining room table, typing this with tears once again, because my baby is sleeping in that crib I was so terrified to buy.

That day in the driveway, I made one of the most uncomfortable decisions of my life. I set aside my fear and decided to walk along side Mike those last 20 weeks, in a mindset of hope and possibility.

During this pregnancy I experienced trauma. The night I woke with blood running down my leg, and the terrifying moments after when the situation quickly escalated, are still burned into my memory. It still makes my chest tight to think about it.

Trauma can carry so much fear-

Fear that can sometimes rob us of the joy we could be experiencing. This experience is only one way fear has held me back from life. This lesson is universal and doesn’t only apply to pregnancy. It applies to any situation fear has its grip on you.

Fear has held me back from so many things.

Fear of failing

Fear of the future

Fear of “what if?”

What is fear holding you back from? Are you avoiding taking steps towards something better out of fear?

What would your life look like if you could work through the fear? What could you accomplish?

Have you tried to imagine what life would look like if things worked out? Take a minute and picture what that could look like. Where could you be? What would you be doing? What could you accomplish?

Fear is valid. Fear is real. But fear can be debilitating.

We have to learn how to move past the fear. We have to learn to process the fear, grieve, and sometimes, take steps forward despite the fear. And sometimes we need help moving through fear.

Reach out. Talk to your friends or family. Don’t let your fears rule your life. You deserve more than that.