I saw my boyfriend and toddler napping on the couch…
And felt nothing but love.
So why is it so damn hard to give myself permission to rest?
The short answer?
I’ve been conditioned to feel like my worth is based on my productivity.
Last week at my counseling appointment, I had been feeling pretty overwhelmed with the kids being on winter break and stressed that I wasn’t being productive enough.
My response- “Without feeling anxious? Like I should be up doing something and not just sitting there? No.
Memories remind me of earlier days when my boys were much younger…During the worst of times, I was called fat, and lazy.
The question that stung the most-
“What did you do all day?”
I took the boys outside to play, walked them to the playground, changed them, dressed them, fed them, snuggled them, read books to them, cleaned up the same mess for the third time that day cooked, managed toddler meltdowns.
What came second to taking care of them? Everything else.
Dishes. Laundry. Housework.
So when another load of unwashed dishes sat in the sink yet again, it wasn’t because I was overwhelmed, or prioritizing the kids, it was because I was lazy.
I was a failure as a wife, and as a keeper of the house.
Unproductive. Not enough.
My value had been placed in how well I kept the house.
Not that I was raising 2 boys. Not that I was spending all my emotional energy trying to “save” someone else who was struggling.
Relaxing became a trigger. You can’t. You should be doing something. You’re not doing enough. YOU’RE not enough.
How can I sit down and relax when there’s so much to do?
What if someone saw me sitting down NOT. DOING. ANYTHING.
What would they think of me?
But a much wiser version of myself says- give yourself the same compassion you would give someone else.
Sunday afternoon, I walked into the livingroom and saw my toddler and my boyfriend peacefully sleeping on the couch.
My toddler was up soooo early that morning.
Mike’s been running on fumes, getting up for work early everyday, including weekends, running a business, providing for our family, coaching 2 basketball teams.
I had nothing in my heart but grace when I saw them laying there.
But give myself the same compassion? I just can’t do it. Yet.
As I write this, a tear rolls down my cheek, because I see how messed up it is.
I still can’t see my own value at rest.
I’m working on it. On unlearning the belief that my only value comes from what I DO.
On believing that BEING isn’t the same as failing.
But damn. It’s soooo hard.
So if you’re there too- Struggling to rest without feeling like you need to explain it, you’re not alone.
PS- I know how busy life gets, mama. Let me take one thing off your plate—grab a FREE HelloFresh box on me!
